Number Three

With Apologies to E.A. Poe

Do you hear the phone?
Get the phone!
Oh, wait! That cursed ringing
Isn’t just some new ring tone.
It's this new, unending jingle--
Not a pingle nor a dingle—
That's imparted a queer tingle
As it mingles in my ear.
It’s a ring-a-tingy-tinging
And inside my head it’s singing
Less a bonging than a binging
That inside my head is clinging
Like a head upon a beer.
Now, I think I know the answer
To what caused this aural cancer,
Just what sort of necromancer
Was advancing its career:
I’ve got a case of the tinnitus in my ear, ear, ear, ear, ear, ear, ear.
Just the tinny-tin tinnitus in my ear.
--LJC


AUTOMATED RESPONDER

I'm sending out liberal email
Promoting great causes unknown
I don't really take time to read them
I'm a merely a sycophant clone

I don't pause I just hit "send this message"
As more fresh template letters come in
They're excited for all kinds of causes
I say now let the MoveOn begin

BioGems, for example, has got me
As is true with sage Sierra Club
Concerned Scientist's elbows are offered
And in perfect union I rub

Environmental Defense knows my address
They know just how compliant I'll be
Within days my fine state congress persons
Send responsive form letters to me

They point out their support for my causes
They're involved in the issues I tout
You can bet here in North California
Their correctness should go without doubt

Still I compulsively send them all forward
Robert Redford's one persuasive man
But when they ask me for money, I falter
And their text looks like it's from Japan

So, sadly, I'm a fair-weather liberal
As is obvious when chips are down
My inbox, once active, now reads "full"
I guess I must be out of town.

--Mark Trail


In my other blogging persona, I get a significant number of hits because of people searching for a particular name, last name Bergman . I’m not actually familiar with Mr Bergman, although he appears to be someone who builds engines for racecars. (I get the visits because my other blog mentions Peter Bergman of the Firesign Theatre and the Internet alias of a pal of mine, one B. Splim. I would’ve spelled the entire first name out, but that would only result in more of these misguided folks coming to this blog.)

I can’t imagine what they think when they land on my site. NASCAR is conspicuous by its absence, and there is nary a head gasket or spark plug for miles around. The poor things often come around a couple of times, undoubtedly remarking to themselves by the second visit, “Goddamn it! I’ve already looked at this piece of crap!”

--LJC


Why did Franz Kafka cross the road? He was making a futile attempt to flee the horrors of existence.

--LJC


The Peacemaker

They call that man a peacemaker
Who brings all folks together.
And that is where this verse should end,
With peace and love, however,
There is another sense to it,
And one that's less appealing,
A sense of loss and doom, my friend,
A sense that is revealing.
They dreamt it up out west, I think,
Most likely for the flickers,
And out it spread across the land,
Through voice and bumper stickers.
In Middle East and Middle West
We try to get things done
With the other kind of peacemaker,
The kind we call a gun.